


Lost

by 71tenseventeen



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Moscow, Rejection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-05-31 22:13:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15128888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/71tenseventeen/pseuds/71tenseventeen
Summary: Evgeni sees him for the first time standing in the heavy snowfall under a streetlamp.





	Lost

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Alia for being a kickass beta and saying the word "Moscow." 
> 
> Thanks to Mel for making sure my Russian language details are correct. 
> 
> Lost was inspired by the photo featured.

 

 

Evgeni sees him for the first time standing in the heavy snowfall under a streetlamp. There’s a backpack slung on his back and two full looking bags sitting at his feet. He’s fumbling with a piece of paper, repeatedly looking at it and then up and all around him, as though he’s looking for a landmark or street sign.

Evgeni wants to keep walking.

It’s been a long day and he’s exhausted and cold. He’s finally almost home and all he wants is to strip out of his coat and shoes and faceplant on his bed.

But the wind is steadily picking up and while it’s not a bad neighborhood, it’s probably never a good idea to stand around on a city street with your bags.

Evgeni glances back at the man.

The wind is whipping his curls around as he stands there looking very lost and increasingly desperate. The man pulls out his phone and begins tapping at the screen hurriedly and Evgeni heaves a sigh. He gives his building at the end of the block a mournful look and turns back towards the man.

Evgeni has a feeling that the man might not even be from Russia. “ _Are you lost? Do you need help?_ ” He speaks in Russian but slowly.

The man looks up, startled at first and then relieved. He nods and replies back in broken, accented Russian that makes Evgeni sure he was right. “ _Yes, am lose? Look new building, cannot find._ ” He tentatively holds the paper out to Evgeni and looks equal parts relieved and nervous when Evgeni takes it.

Evgeni reads it quickly and—” _Oh, this is my building too. It’s just down the block, not hard to find. I can show you._ ”

The man looks at him, clearly confused so Evgeni holds the paper back out to him. “You speak English?”

The man nods vigorously and there’s that look of relief again.

“This my building. Is close. I’m show you.”

“Oh thank god. Thank you, thank you so much. Ah, _спасибо._ ”

“Is no problem. Come.”

\---

It isn’t until they’re standing in the brightly lit lobby, Evgeni watching as the man smiles tentatively at him with cheeks tinged pink from the wind, that he realizes he’s in trouble.

This man is _gorgeous_. From the messy curls to the stunning hazel eyes, lips redder than any lips have a right to be and the solid, muscular build—everything about him is attractive to Evgeni and that’s a problem.

The man holds out his hand and fumbles with broken Russian again. “ _Am Sid. Thank you, much. Not think I have such hard time find._ ”

Evgeni shakes the man—Sid’s hand because it would be weird if he didn’t. “Please to meet. I am Evgeni. Can be a little tricky sometime, find way in new city. You new to Moscow, yes?”

Sid huffs. “Yeah. I guess that’s pretty obvious.”

Evgeni shrugs because, yeah, it is.

Sid looks back down at his paper. “This says apartment 3C, right?”

Evgeni nods. “Yes, 3C. One floor below me,” he finds himself staying before he can stop it. “I’m live in 2C. If need anything, can ask.”

“Thank you again, Evgeni. I can’t tell you how grateful I am.”

“Is no problem. Nice to meet, Sid. Good luck.”

\--

Living in the same building, Evgeni assumes he’ll probably run into Sid from time to time. He doesn’t expect to spot him on the metro platform the very next day.

He sees Sid’s soft curls first and then the broad shoulders, drawn forward as he hunches over his phone looking, well, looking pretty lost. Again.

Evgeni should probably just turn around and head the other direction. Nothing good can come of keeping pace behind Sid, eyes sliding down to the swell of his ass appreciatively. Nothing good can come of imagining his fingers in those curls, his hands on those arms, that back—

Evgeni snaps his eyes up and swallows hard. Nothing good will ever come from that. He should go.

But Sid is looking up and around again, examining signs with his mouth open and brows furrowed so deeply that his forehead is completely scrunched up. It’s not Sid’s fault that he’s so beautiful, not his fault that Evgeni is attracted to him. And he could obviously use a friend, or, at the very least, a tour guide or something.

Evgeni tucks away all the thoughts about Sid that he’s not supposed to have. He can be a good neighbor, a good ambassador and that’s all Sid ever needs to know.

He takes a deep breath and speeds up until he can reach out and tap Sid’s shoulder. “Sid?”

Sid looks up, surprised at first and then a relieved smile blooms across his face. “Evgeni, hi.”

“See you and think maybe you look like you lost again.”

Sid ducks his head, laughing and definitely blushing. “I guess that’s kind of my thing now, eh?”

Evgeni smiles at him. “Is okay. I’m help you.”

\--

Evgeni teaches Sid the finer points of navigating Moscow. It’s pretty evident that Sid’s Russian reading comprehension is kind of shit so Evgeni works with him on that, too. Sid picks it up quickly enough that Evgeni suspects whoever taught him before wasn’t very good.

He asks Sid about it one night as they hang out on Evgeni’s couch eating takeout straight from the containers. Sid is throwing out answers to questions on a Russian game show, most of them dreadfully wrong but he’s grinning anyhow.

“Who teach you Russian, Sid? You so bad at.”

Sid scoffs. “I am not! I’ve gotten a lot better since I met you.”

“Yes, better since meet me because I teach. Whoever teach before, suck.” He grins, though.

“Oh, well. I’ll tell you, just promise you won’t make fun of me.”

“Can’t do.”

“Jerk. I learned from an app.”

“App? Like...app on phone?!”

“Well, yeah. I worked on it for like three months before I came here.”

Evgeni snickers. “You come to Russia after three month on app? No wonder you get lost always.”

“Hey! It was free and I did okay... _stop laughing_!” He tosses a pillow at Evgeni who catches it with a guffaw and wings it right back.

\--

“Evgeni, check this out!” Sid is staring at his phone as he says it and then turns the screen so Evgeni can see.

“What is?”

“There’s an air and space exhibit at this museum. The first Soyuz Capsule ever used is on display! Do you wanna go see it with me?”

Sid is looking at him, eyes bright, smile lighting up his entire face and Evgeni can’t think straight when Sid looks at him like that.

“Zhenya,” he blurts.

Sid raises an eyebrow. “Uh, what?”

“Zhenya. Should call me Zhenya. Is like nickname, for friends, you know?”

Sid’s smile widens. “We’re friends?”

“Of course we friends. What you think, you just happen to run into best tour guide ever first night here?” But he’s smiling back at Sid.

Sid laughs. “Yeah, okay. Zhenya. Cool. So, Zhenya, you wanna go see the Soyuz Capsule with me?”

“Yeah, I go. Have to, you know? Otherwise you get lost and I not see you for three weeks,” he teases and laughs when Sid flicks a leftover carrot at him.

\--

Evgeni frowns at the clock. Sid is twenty minutes late.

Evgeni wouldn’t mind but Sid is bringing their dinner on his way home from work and he’s always here by now. He checks his phone and there’s no missed call, no missed messages. Evgeni’s not worried. He’s just hungry.

He turns his phone over and over in his hands and it’s fine. Everything is fine, Sid is probably just running late. He’s fine.

Four minutes later there’s a tap at the door and Evgeni yanks it open to find Sid staring up at him. “Zhenya?”

Evgeni swallows. He wasn’t worried. “About time,” he mumbles and stands back to let Sid in.

Sid hesitates and looks up at him, uncertain. “Sorry, I got held up at work.”

Evgeni sighs and heads towards the kitchen. “Is fine, Sid. Just hungry.”

Definitely not worried.

\--

Sid’s been busy with work lately.

Evgeni doesn’t miss him, he’s just bored. He’d been spending so much time teaching Sid the finer points of living in Moscow that now he doesn’t know what to with his free time. He’ll just go see if he can help Sid with anything. He probably can’t help with the work stuff but he can make them some food or something.

Sid is already smiling when he opens the door, mid-laugh. His face still manages to light up when he sees Evgeni. “Zhenya, hey!” Sid steps back to let him in.

“Hey Sid. Know you been busy with work, just thought I come by and see if you need help with—” He stops abruptly when he sees the woman sitting on the couch. “I’m not mean interrupt.”

“ _Is okay. Svetka teach Russian second language in classroom next to mine. We working together_.”

Evgeni nods. _Svetka_. And Sid is speaking in Russian.

Sid turns to _Svetka_. “ _Svetka, this my good friend. Evgeni. Zhenya, this Svetlana._ ”

Evgeni gives a little wave and stuffs his hands in his pockets. “ _Pleased to meet you._ ” He turns to Sid. “Not mean interrupt, Sid. I go, see you later sometime.”

Sid’s expression falls a little. “You could stay if you want to.”

Evgeni shakes his head and reaches for the doorknob. “No, just remember I’m having something to do. See you, Sid.”

“See you,” he hears Sid say quietly as he retreats from the apartment without looking back.

\--

Evgeni knows it’s Sid at the door before he opens it.

“Hey,” Sid smiles up at him before he clearly fumbles. “Oh. Oh wow. You’re dressed up. We haven’t hung out for a week, I was just going to see if you wanted to grab some takeout but it looks like you’re busy.”

“Ah, sorry, Sid.” Evgeni rubs at the back of his neck, more nervous than he expected to be. “Little busy, yeah. Maybe tomorrow? If not busy with _Svetlana_.”

“I, no. I’m not, I mean. Tomorrow would be great. I don’t have any plans.” Sid fumbles. “So, uh, hot date?” Sid grins at him and Evgeni glances at the floor.

“Actually, have date, yes.”

“Oh. Oh right. Well, uh, good luck, eh?” It’s almost painful how awkward Sid suddenly gets and it kind of pisses Evgeni off. What does Sid care if he has a date? Sid’s been spending nearly every free moment with _Svetka_ lately anyhow.

“Thanks. Say hello to Svetlana for me,” he says as he closes the door when Sid turns to go.

\--

Sid is pouting.

Evgeni snickers at him as he ushers him into the apartment where Sid promptly flops down on the couch and glares at Evgeni.

“I wasn’t ready to leave,” he whines as Evgeni kicks his shoes off and grins down at Sid.

“You drunk.”

Sid pushes up on his elbows. “I’m not drunk. I didn’t have enough to drink to be drunk.”

“Sid, place close for night, what I’m supposed to do?” He grabs a couple of bottles of water from the kitchen and comes back to find Sid sitting up and still pouting. It’s adorable.

“We could have gone somewhere else.”

“I’m too old party all night, Sid.”

“But it’s my birthday! And it was just yours! And you’re not old.”

“You right,” Evgeni grins and plops down next to him, handing one of the bottles over. “I’m not old. You old.”

Sid narrows his eyes. “You’re older than me!” He looks outraged.

Evgeni swallows. “I try tell you this. Too old party all night.”

Sid cocks that crooked grin of his. “You’re too much.” He shakes his head and sighs. “Thanks for tonight,” he says softly, still gazing at Evgeni affectionately.

Evgeni wants to look away. He really should look away but Sid’s curls are messy and his lips are so plush and pink and his eyes are so beautiful. Evgeni feels his chest tighten. He really wishes Sid would look away.

But whatever Sid sees on Evgeni’s face doesn’t make him look away. Their eyes are locked and Sid’s smile slowly fades into something softer and then—then Sid is leaning forward and they’re kissing and Evgeni wants this more than he’s ever wanted anything in his life.

It’s terrifying.

He pushes away, hard. “What the fuck, Sid,” he yells and scrambles to his feet.

“I… I, oh my god, oh fuck. Zhenya, Zhenya I’m so sorry. I didn’t… I mean, I thought…” Sid looks at him with wide, scared eyes and Evgeni hates himself for what he’s about to do.

“You need go.” He looks away. Sid is tearing up and he can’t stand it.

Sid rambles in a shaky voice as he grabs his shoes and clutches them to his chest. “I’m so sorry. God, I’m so sorry, Zhenya. Please, please don’t hate me. I—”

Evgeni cuts him off. “I say go.”

He waits until he hears the click of the door closing before he turns and faces it. The room is empty, Sid is gone.

Evgeni doesn’t sleep that night.

\--

Evgeni lasts for five days.

He braces himself everytime he leaves his apartment, dreading and hoping to run into Sid all at once but it never happens. The ache in his chest grows with each day that passes. This was all his fault. He knew from the beginning, from the day on the metro platform that nothing good could come from reaching out to Sid but he’d done it anyhow. And Sid offered him everything he ever wanted and Evgeni threw it all back in his face without a moment’s hesitation because he _can’t_. It doesn’t matter what he wants or how much he wants it, he _can’t_. He never could. Not here, not with the way things are.

But Sid isn’t from here. Maybe he doesn’t understand how impossible it is. Evgeni hurt him and Sid didn’t deserve that. The least he can do is explain. Sid deserves that much. He’ll talk to Sid and then maybe Sid will understand why they can’t—why Evgeni can’t. And then he’ll tuck Sid away in the back of his mind until everything fades. He’s always been able to before. It’s going to be harder this time, so much harder but what choice does he have?

\--

Sid answers the door looking tired and very, very cautious. “Hi, Zh—Evgeni,” he says, so quietly.

“I come in? Need talk.”

He doesn’t blame Sid for eyeing him warily but finally he steps back and pulls the door open for Evgeni to step inside.

Evgeni stops in his tracks. There are boxes everywhere, his entire apartment packed up. Most of them have “donate” scrawled across the side but a handful have “ship” written on them. There are suitcases by the door.

“Sid? You moving?” Evgeni’s chest feels tight.

“A job opened up back home,” he says softly. “They offered me a position and I accepted. I’m leaving tomorrow morning.” He’s being so careful not to meet Evgeni’s eyes.

Evgeni has never been more desperate to see Sid’s gaze.

“You leave? Go… where? Back Canada?”

“Yeah. Toronto.”

“Thought your home is Nova Scotia.”

Sid shrugs. “Nothing open there.”

Evgeni takes another look around the room and swallows hard before looking at Sid again. “Okay. Have good trip, Sid. Be safe.”

Sid looks up at him then, finally, miserably and Evgeni wishes he hadn’t.

“Bye Sid.”

“Bye Evgeni.”

\--

Evgeni can’t breathe.

He paces the apartment, running his hand through his hair so many times it must be standing on end. His eyes land on the stupid little Soyuz Capsule model Sid had bought him at the museum. He picks it up and turns it over in his hands, feels the bile rising in his throat. Without another thought he throws it against the wall, feels a mixture of satisfaction and loss as he watches it shatter.

It’s not enough.

He grabs a glass trinket his Mama had sent, flings it across the room angrily. And then there’s no stopping him, grabbing any little thing in his sight and shattering it as violently as he can until there’s nothing left to break and he slumps to the floor completely defeated. And that’s when he finally, _finally_ let’s himself feel everything he’s been holding back all this time.

\--

Evgeni doesn’t bother with shoes when he slams out of his apartment and races down the stairs. He pounds on the door, not giving a shit about the neighbors, not giving a shit about anything anymore. Except for Sid.

It doesn’t take long for Sid to answer the door, messy hair and wide eyed as he stares up at him. “Evgeni?”

“I’m come with you,” he blurts and Sid’s eyes go impossibly wider.

“What?”

“I…” he starts to panic because he can’t find the words and he _needs_ to fix this.

“Zhenya, are you okay?” The concern in Sid’s eyes is what breaks him and he crumples into Sid’s arms. And Sid pulls him in instead of pushing him away and it gives Evgeni hope.

Sid kicks the door shut and murmurs softly. “Zhenya, Zhenya what’s wrong? You’re scaring me.”

Evgeni swallows hard, pulls back and looks down into Sid’s eyes and he knows it will break him if he loses Sid.

He kisses Sid, hard and, at first, Sid kisses back. But then he pulls away, eyes wide again. “Evgeni…”

“I’m sorry, Sid. I’m sorry. I lie before, make you think I’m not want but is all I want, since moment I meet you. Not think I could have, Sid,” he says, desperate for Sid to understand. “Never think I can have. Not here, it’s not okay here. It be so bad, parents be disappointed, sad. If I do, I let everyone down. Maybe bad things happen, people hate. Easier to be with girls. Always ust easier but never love someone like I love you, Sid. Can’t do it anymore, can’t let you leave think I not love you, not want you. Can’t live like this anymore, have to come and try. I’m go with you, if you want me. Be with you.”

Sid stares at him, shocked and a tense silence settles around them and Evgeni waits.

He waits and he hopes.

Sid starts to tear up and Evgeni has never been so scared in his life but then Sid is reaching for him, falling into Evgeni’s arms and Evgeni holds on tight.

Sid misses his flight.

\--

**Two months late**

Sid smiles when he sees Zhenya on the crowded platform. He’s not hard to spot, more than a head taller than everyone else. He’s heading towards the next pillar, looking down at his phone and Sid feels his own phone buzz with an incoming text message.

 

Sid smiles and shoves his phone back in his pocket. He breaks into a trot, catching up to Zhenya and touching his elbow lightly when he draws even. “Hey.”

Zhenya smiles at him proudly. “There you are. See, I tell you I make it without get lost.”

Sid tries to hide his grin but is entirely unsuccessful. “Yeah, yeah. Toronto is way easier than Moscow, you know.”

Evgeni throws an arm around Sid’s shoulders with a laugh. “Maybe I’m just better at find way?”

Sid rolls his eyes. “Except for when you called me last week because you got off at the wrong stop and got lost?”

“Shhhh. We not talk about that,” Zhenya says. “Besides, turn out okay. You find me.”

Sid looks up at him then, smiling softly. “Just like you found me, eh?”

“Yes,” Zhenya rasps. “We find each other.”

 

 


End file.
